I guess I’m transitioning back into my old, original hobby: writing. But I guess I want to talk about my livestreaming experiences. First off, what made me decide to start livestreaming? Well, I saw the money others made, and thought “That looks like fun.” It looked like a fun way to make money. The same thing I thought about YouTube when I started it in 2014. My goal with YouTube was to enjoy every video that I made. I didn’t want to focus solely on becoming popular, because I thought that it would not bring me happiness. There are so many stories of “famous” people not being happy by their fame. I heard a lot of news stories about that growing up, so I wanted to avoid that. But YouTube looked like a fun opportunity, so I made the videos I wanted to make for about 4 years. I didn’t have any prior video editing experience, so I learned on the fly. I started with Windows Movie Maker and moved up to Sony Vegas. The quality of the videos, honestly, didn’t change. By the end of my experience, I grew to dislike it, because I became stressed over the numbers. I became stressed with obsession over “fame”, and money, and wealth, and that “easy life”. So getting banned was the best thing to come from it for me.
Like I said, the goal for me was to just enjoy what I created. I obviously hoped that other people would like it, but I wanted to make things that I enjoyed. When I got banned, I transitioned over to Twitch.
It’s obviously a different platform, but was there any motivation for “putting myself out there” besides financial? Yes, there was. That damned potential. That thought that “Man, maybe I could be funny.” That potential has been my motivating factor for a long time. But I think that the whole thing has also been an escape for me. I’ve documented a lot of my past stress here on this blog. Making people laugh has been an escape for me. Actually, it was an attempt to “entertain myself”. Long-time viewers will see this has been the case from the beginning. It was never a “performance”. It was me waiting to see if Twitch chat could cheer me up. I should really dedicate a separate post to this, but I’ve always been prone to depression. I cringe as I say this, because I remember what I used to think about the pain of others. Maybe I was just in my own pain, and was hurting so badly that I didn’t care about the pain of anyone else. That’s hard. If that is true, then that alleviates some of my guilt about being so hard-hearted. But I do still feel guilty that I was such an asshole. I guess that’s the circle of life. None of us are perfect. We are limited by our human natures. I pray that the Lord will be merciful to us in our pains. There are so many children who get hurt so badly. We just hurt each other. The Lord is merciful. He will help us.
I used to think that comedy was a competition: me against everyone else for resources. But what if it’s more about building communities and just making people laugh and having a good time? Who cares about the money anymore? So I guess I just want to talk about my experience on the platform thus far.
It’s really been a trial-and-error sort of thing. A chatter once said that they thought I didn’t have the personality for the platform. It is true that, generally speaking, people in “show business” are very gregarious. I suppose I have a bias against what feels “fake” to me. Is a ventriloquist being “fake”? No, he’s putting on a show that he really wants to put on. What I’m getting at is that my fear of not being happy with “success” made me very skeptical of performances. What I now realize is that people love to perform. It brings them peace and happiness. It isn’t “fake”. I was just immature back then and didn’t understand…well, anything, really. But I don’t want sympathy nor pity.
I’ve been turning into a more sociable person, but I’ve been such a judgmental asshole for so long that I know karma is coming to me. I’m trying to unlearn it. But the world is not always a welcoming place.
So what is my takeaway? That nothing is easy. That everything that looks like it comes easily to people, or to people with money…probably didn’t come easy to them. I’m so thankful that I have streamed, and made YouTube videos, simply for the experience. It made me appreciate the work that people put into things, and alleviating envy has always been my main goal in attempting to join “show business”. “Envy” is just the human experience. Millions of people make YouTube videos, stream on Twitch, Hell, even create blogs, just like me, in an attempt to obtain that…thing. So no matter how alone I may feel, especially against criticism, I’m actually just like…lots of other people. So it’s been an interesting experience to me.
I just hope that I can stop being such an asshole and be more friendly. Maybe I’ve laid my demons to rest. I hope, Lord willing.
And I guess I apologize to all of those Twitch viewers who came to my stream early on, when I was always in a bitter mood. It became a little bit of a small stream meme, my attitude. Warranted. But I appreciate all of the laughs that everyone has given me. I may continue to stream just to socialize. But I want to ideologically retire from the idea of “wealth and fame“. I guess I still need to find that balance between taking care of myself, and doing what others want me to do just to be amiable.
Gallons of Milk 
3 thoughts on “On Twitch”